As we navigate the world of vegan extremes, it becomes evident that for some, lettuce isn’t just a crunchy delight; it's a living, breathing entity with feelings, aspirations and Netflix subscriptions like you and me. I mean, have you ever carried a bowl of salad and wondered if it was silently singing ‘I will survive’ in your kitchen just moments back? The comedy of extreme veganism is truly a salad bowl, heaped with the diverse flavours of sanctimony, absurdity, and downright hilarity.
The question isn't, "Is extreme veganism is healthy?" Instead, our pondering should centre around, "Is extreme veganism even sensible?" Keep reading to dive into the sea of excessive nutritional piety, where carrots clutch onto their rights, Greta Thunberg is hailed as the modern day Pope, and if you listen carefully, you can hear broccoli’s heartbeat.
Navigating the World of Vegan Extremes
Life, as we know it, has spun into an epic series of dietary trends. Following the footprints of Paleo, Keto and whatnot, we've blundered into a realm where the vegan passport holds the ultimate pride of place. Not just a dietary plan, it’s a brand-new religion, one that’s full of kale and judgement if you dare breach any of its holy commandments.
Remember when being vegan meant that your diet was plant-based? Me neither. Vegan extremism has left no leaf unturned in its attempt to convert an entire generation into salad whisperers, who chant the mantra, "The secret of the Universe starts with U and ends with Vegan." Packed with moral superiority, it portrays itself as the Nutella to life's crepe. Unfortunately, not all of us have the capacity to love tofu as much we love a juicy burger, and more importantly, some of us still believe that plants don’t hold secret board meetings.
The Comedy of Extreme Veganism: The Lean Green Machine
Enter the Lean Green Machines, the Voldemort of veggies, the Darth Vader of carrots. They have devoted their lives to debunking ‘The Myth of Meat’and taking down the evil empire of animal eaters. But what truly forms the comedy of extreme veganism is the conviction that spinach has a social security number, and peeling a banana is equivalent to peeling off its dignity.
You’ve heard about human rights, animal rights, but ever heard about salad rights? Well, buckle up, because according to these zealous green disciples, your salad not only has feelings but also dreams about being gently dressed in vinaigrette rather than being ruthlessly chomped on.
Let me start with a confession: It's been years since I last bit into a succulent rebellious chicken wing. Oh, the gasps of horror! But hear me out. It's not that I've developed a sudden, mysterious allergy for all meat-related foods or turned vegan overnight (more power to you if you have). No, it's the paranoia - that growing fear of being chased by a lettuce-wielding vegan extremist because my meat platter looks uncannily like their family portrait. Funny, but it is what it is.
If you ask me, there's more concern for the wellbeing of broccoli and Brussels sprouts in today's world than for the average couch potato. Unbelievable, right? It's like our once beloved ‘food chain’ has been thrown out the window, and us omnivores are now at the mercy of an angry herb.
When Plants Have Feelings Too
What happened, you ask? Somehow, overnight, the asparagus grew a consciousness, and the celery found its soul. I mean, if Potato Head can identify as a gender-neutral spud, who's to say that your eggplant can't have feelings? If your kale screams while you tear it apart for your breakfast smoothie, does that mean blender is off the menu as well?
The veggie rights marching chants have gotten louder, the ‘salad-sanctuaries’ are increasing by the day, and the metaphoric ‘olive-branch’ now apparently bears constitutional rights (soon there'll be a Mount Olive!). I’m all for plant love, but when a tomato has a better health insurance plan than I do, it's time to question reality.
My last chain restaurant visit was quite the experience. I was served organic, free-range, gluten-free lettuce - lettuce! Folks, this 'vegan extremism' has infiltrated our waking lives. I swear I left the place with my head spinning, and it wasn’t from the wine (OK, maybe slightly from the vino - sue me!).
The placards outside read - ‘Free the Chickpea’, ‘Justice for Quinoa’, and 'Liberate the Lentils'. Legumes were being liberated?! For a moment there, I was taken aback, wondering if I'd walked into a store of ‘Beans Anonymous’ by mistake.
Chasing the Vegan Extremist's Dream
The vegan extremist’s dream no longer seems to be a future where animals aren’t harmed; it’s a world where fruits and veggies are bathed in holy water and swaddled in ethically-sourced, handmade, organic cotton blankets. They’re trying to hand out rights to algae and fungi now. Don’t even get me started on how they are pushing for constitutional revisions for seaweed.
So where does that leave the rest of us - the plain-old humans trying to satisfy our hunger without sparking a veggie civil war or inciting a fruits uprising? I suppose it's time to brace ourselves for an exciting era where the pecking order in the supermarker aisle matters, and your dinner can sue you for attempted consumption. Bon Appétit!
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and is meant to be taken lightly. Here at Blog Land, we respect all dietary choices including veganism which is a personal choice. This piece is not intended to mock or offend anyone, but to add a humorous spin to the daily realities of life.