Let’s embark on a whimsical journey — a quest to uncover the mystifying enigma of our time. Yes, dear readers, you’ve guessed it, it’s the unfathomable labyrinth we fondly refer to as online dating. I'd argue that looking for love online is kind of like that game of whack-a-mole: just as you think you’ve nabbed a winner, another pesky little problem pops up to whack you back to reality. But fear not! Humour may just make this horror story more bearable.
The Satire of Online Dating: An Unlikely Love Story
Why is online dating so hard? Well, you might as well ask why the chicken crossed the road or why do we invariably pick the slowest line at the grocery store checkout. There are certain mysteries in this universe, dear friends, that even Neil deGrasse Tyson can't solve, regardless of how many star-studded ceilings he gazes at.
Let’s be real here. Cupid has always had it in for humans, making the course of 'true love' about as smooth as a ride on a rollercoaster blindfolded. But then, Cupid decided to modernize, traded his arrows for Wi-Fi signals and, voila! Online dating, the pitfall-laden minefield, brought terrifyingly into the eons of 4G, 5G, and 'please God, no more G'.
It's a jungle out there, friends. We storm the gates of Match.com, brave the wilds of Tinder, teeter on the precipice of Bumble, all in search of that elusive soulmate who enjoys long walks on the beach, or at the very least, has a mutual undying love for pizza. But let's face it, even Spartans would shudder at the obstacles we encounter.
The Comedy of Dating App Disasters: All‘s Fair in Love and Swipes
Of the literal billions of fish in this digital sea, you'd think bagging one would be as simple as popping your profile picture up and dusting off your finest dad jokes. But oh, how misguided we are! There's the 'I'm only here for the fun' folks, the 'I can't believe I'm doing this' victims, and the dreaded 'I'm just looking' bandwagon, all promising the thrill of connection yet delivering the comedy of dating app disasters.
But don't despair! As the age-old saying goes: It's not the destination; it's the hilarious, soul-crushing journey that counts. That one with the guy who used a celebrity picture as his profile photo? Or the lady who thought your date would be the perfect opportunity to sell you her homemade kombucha? Yeah, they’re all part of this magical journey!
Whether or not you find your Prince/ss Charming at the end of the rainbow, one thing is for sure, the denizens of the online dating world are providing us with enough comedy material to keep sitcom writers in business for decades. And isn’t laughter the best medicine?
As our eagerly awaited second installment picks up, let's reintroduce our protagonist, one Sam Smith, borderline sociopath, ardent cereal enthusiast, and a man whose life now revolves around the single-digit dimensions of his smartphone. Swipe left, swipe right, the mantra of his existence. Ah, the convenience of modern dating! No more awkward conversations, no need to rack your brain for those impactful first-liners. It's the world on a platter, mate, all you need to do is swipe!
The 'Swipe Syndicate'
Not too long ago, Sam found himself unceremoniously dumped in the digital dating dumpster. Into the pyre of left swipes he was tossed, burning and crying out in the despair of the unchosen. In the grand supermarket of online dating, Sam was left on the shelf, next to the tin of expired pinto beans.
And why, you ask? Was it because of his alarming tendency to use more emojis than words? Or his uncanny ability to turn every conversation into a 'How I Met Your Mother' reference? No, it wasn't. After weeks of meticulous research (read: sulking in a dimly-lit room with a tub of half-eaten ice cream), Sam unearthed a dreadful conspiracy.
Rhythms of the Robot Overlords
Just like The Matrix, we seem to have been blindfolded and misdirected. Swipe right, swipe left, don't forget to yell "Bingo!" once in a while. It's the algorithm overlords, keeping tabs, followed by their sidekick - the mysteriously elusive ELO score. Game over, my friend, game over. It's less about the butterflies in the stomach and more about the server load in the mainframe now. Love, or so to say, is in the air(waves).
Back to Sam. You see, our Mr. Smith here, wasn’t aware of the secret cybersecurity wrestling that was happening behind the innocent facade of an app. Every minuscule detail, from his frequency of app usage to the type of profiles he interacted with, was being monitored, scored, and then used against him. It didn't matter that he could quote 'The Office' in his sleep, or that he'd ghosted on just one measly date (we've all been there, amirite?).
A Twist in the Tale
Then, ladies and gentlemen, entered Alex. Equipped with a Ph.D. in Computational Linguistics and a love for Python (the programming language, not the snake), Alex was here for a quick, hacker-style romance kickstart. A coded blue bird whispered sweet nothings, and lo and behold, Sam and Alex had a match. Ah, the victory of love (technlogy) over algorithms.
So here we have it, folks. The perplexities of online dating decoded, well, sort of. For every Sam and Alex out there against the might of the algorithmic empire, may the force be with you, or, well, may you find a haven in the lesser-traveled, algorithm-free nooks and corners of the internet!
Until next time, keep swiping, my lovelies!